None of this is real.

I get people staring at me as if I have something giant and multi-coloured trying to climb out of my neck or something.

Really they’re just jealous. Or curious. Or afraid at looking at anything else but me, maybe.

I don’t mind.

I don’t mind because I like to be looked at. I like that they don’t ever say anything to me because then I get to imagine what it is they might be thinking. And I always imagine that they must want to fuck me. Or they must want to be me. Or anything else really that could be a boon to my ever-increasing ego.

Because I like having an ego.

Because I like having self-confidence.

Because I hate people who don’t have any; what are they afraid of? What are they comparing themselves to? And why?

In our lives there is way too much comparison. Are you pretty enough? Are you successful enough? Do you prefer Fruit Loops or Apple Jacks? Did you know that they just introduced a new blue fruit loop? Do you think that makes them better?

Seriously. A hundred different shapes and colours of the same breakfast cereal is packaged in different, colourful ways that are all SCREAMING at me when I walk down that aisle.

And you know what? It was always my favourite aisle to walk down as a kid. And you know what? It still is. But you know what? I cry about it a little now. I never used to cry about it. I never used to cry about anything really. Now I cry about cereal. And how there’s just too many choices of it. And how they’re all the same… so really what choice is there? And yet they’re all packaged and marketed differently and they sometimes taste a little different and sometimes they have a little white sugar on top or are rotated 45 degrees and re-labeled or get a brilliant new colour thrown into the mix. So maybe they ARE all different. Or maybe the cereal aisle is a perfect example of just how fucked up so many things in our lives really are.

So I avoid going to the super-market these days. And I eat this cranberry and nut and flakes mix for breakfast on the rare occasions that I eat breakfast because I believe the cranberries are good for me and I think the nuts are good for me and I feel better about eating flakes than being a flake since I hang out with flakes and I know, I’m not fooling anybody. I am what I eat. A flake… and a nut… but good for your urinary track at least.