What has become of me

I am a Realist. I am a Humanist.
I am a Capitalist. I am an Opportunist.
I am too open. Too closed off.
I am a standing ovation.

I have a backhand that penetrates brick walls.
I have a contract that expires immediately upon signing.
I have a bank account that's full.

I have a canadian flag attached to my forehead via. scotch tape.
I have my hat on my knee,
And a tattoo on my iris that only I can see (when the right eye is open).

I digress,
There is no point to this or me.
I feel strange and I am strange to feel this way.

I have a book of lies that I treasure.
I have illusions that I treasure.
I need it all to fall asleep and I know it.

And I am ashamed.
And afraid.

I am a Realist.

Last day.

It is 8:35am. Here are some things I've done for the last time already today:

- Sat silently listening to annoying talk radio as I got driven to work.

- Bought (and ate/drank) my morning bagel and coffee.

- Unlocked the office door and punched in the alarm code.

Here are some things I'll be doing for the last time later on today:

- Lunch with the team

- Afternoon cigar with my boss

- Say my good night's to everybody

- Leave this office for the day

It is bitter-sweet (but mostly sweet).

I hope my boss likes his gift.

The light at the end of the tunnel comes up quickly,
Spewing me out to great success or great disaster.

Good thing none of it matters.

I am lucky to have died so long ago.
And I am lucky to be reborn.

Learn Learn Learn

On the further refining the skill-set side:

Run Your Own Web Server Using Linux & Apache

Securing PHP Web Applications

Teach Yourself XML in 24 Hours

and, Pro JavaScript Techniques

And to re-learn and advance the old .NET skills:

Essential C# 2.0

Beginning ASP.NET 2.0 in C# 2005: From Novice to Professional

Beginning ASP.NET 2.0 E-Commerce in C# 2005: From Novice to Professional


Oh man I am going to be soooo smart when I am done.

Going forward, balls out

The problem with people telling you your great all the time, is that it may lead to the creation of a false sense of security due to confidence.

Cause what if they're wrong?

Or what if 'great' isn't good enough?

...

Good thing I'm an optimist :)

finish strong, or else

A line gets drawn to monitor me
It raises and lowers accordingly
And creates expectations in its plateaus

Gotta be on top of that shit all the time
For fear of my reputation becoming skewed

Full circle

Watch the pieces fall into place...

With the exception of my extremely high stress level this week (due to BOTH my bosses taking vacation at the same time), things are going extremely well for me right now!

Things are set and moving along well for my move to Montreal. It is only mere weeks away now!

The opportunity I was upset about blowing early last week got smoothed over (recovered from) perfectly thanks to a well-timed breakfast meeting the next morning. Despite the so-so impression I must've given the night before, I walked away feeling confident and re-assured that this large UK firm and I might actually have a (very) bright future together!

Speaking of opportunities, I just got off the phone with one of our major suppliers in the US and they too are very enthusiastic about me having more time for them... and from the sounds of it, it'll be the perfect opportunity to further hone my skills and innovate within this industry (that I hate so much but is being so good to me).

Other pieces of great news I've gotten recently include:

- being approved for a [personal] line of credit! Fucking finally! Goodbye 18% credit card interest rate. Hello prime + 5! AND that opportunity-creating business line of credit is now just one step away!

- The National are playing shows in May!

- Both my cousin and sister are quoting Matt Good on their MSN! (this is exciting because they've been posting the good, enlightening quotes heh)

.... and that's it off the top of my head!


I hope you all are doing well!

It strains the imagination even just to believe in what's real.

Epic Fail

I just blew a massive opportunity.

Oh man I am not happy with myself right now.

See the patterns. Go crazy. I am sideways.

Information is currency and the measure of one's reach and ability to disseminate such, buys power.

Politics is a game; a competition; part of a war; to be in control.

So that their policies can be enacted so that their friends can make more money, have more control, so that they can all live better...freer... however they see fit.

In their selfishness and self-righteousness....

I believe they have a poisoned, distorted, incomplete view of reality.
And their followers are brainwashed.

The blind are leading us all into a fire.
Holy shit this all so fucked.

And I would take up arms against them if it would mean my children could have a world saved from further... well even just climate change really.
But it is too late already.

I want to get away from all these crazy people.
I want to get off this planet.

FYI: this is primarily inspired by the republican agenda and the conservative leadership in the US.

And all our dreams
beset in lies
walk hand in hand
in hand and I
don't remember who I am
I don't remember who you are
I don't remember why we came
but I'm afraid
and I'm awake
beset in lies
but it's okay

...it is in the wondering that the fires of discontent are fanned...

for example:

- I have manically committed to buying $1200 worth of audio equipment and been spending the few days since rationalizing that at least it's a good investment, when I do not take to it all with the enthusiasm and excitement that I thought I would.

- The climate is fucked. There are too many people on this planet. There is too much greed. I don't think I can ever have kids.

- I am fucking sick of feeling like I need to be responsible for projects that are not my own because of the incompetence of others and my imagined vested interest in this company doing well.

- I am fucking sick of the idea that one's employer OWNS one's time. I am sick of how this idea has infested even my own thinking and how it continually bothers me when my co-workers are wasting time watching animated movies online.

- WHO THE FUCK AM I TO DECIDE WHAT IS OR WHAT ISN'T A WASTE OF TIME FOR SOMEBODY OTHER THAN MYSELF?


... I am not having a happy morning :(

Exciting new developments

I now have an electric guitar, a keyboard, and an acoustic guitar rocking through a mic, recording into my PC.

Good morning.

This morning I woke up an hour and a half ahead of my alarm. Before I woke up I was dreaming about Heroes... a sort of continuation of last night's episode... which is weird because the last thing I watched before heading off to bed last night was The Daily Show... which kind of explains why I woke up this morning thinking I should read/research some former US presidents and their impact on society/policy today... since I know so little about them... and strangely enough, I think I actually want to know. So I think I know what the next book I'd like to read is going to be about.

I also woke up thinking my throat is exceptionally dry so my room is exceptionally dusty and so I think I've got a bit of cleaning to do tonight.

I hope we all have good days today :)

Don't ask.

I am trying to be clever
But my wit has left me severed
Heads and tails a flipping flipping
Spinning crashing 'round the pills.

See,
I was a comedian once.
I was a championship lawn bowler.

I have trophies that I hide
From prospective girlfriends
And certainly my many many wives.

You would laugh
But they are gold
And my retirement savings

And the only good memories
From a former life I try to forget
Filled with sorrow and regret
A poetic nightmare I beset
Upon the lonely irishmen

Who cleaned our pins

Day in and day out

As we bowled our lives away.
(At the championship level)

Are we destined to damn ourselves?

Two pieces of fascinating news

First: $500, 000 is not a lot of money - According to some wall street executives who are now facing a yearly salary cap. To this I ask, furthering my previous question of: WHAT THE FUCK!??

And second: Bottlenose dolphins apparently give and identify themselves by names. My question for this one is, how long before these guys are extinct too?

Revelations

These last few weeks feel like they've been unusually hard on me; too much stress has been getting to me; my mood has been too much in flux.

I've been worrying about a few things.
Work... Money... Changing my lifestyle... What she thinks....

I've found myself in this... holding pattern; as if I'm waiting for things to happen. And yes, I am waiting for certain things to happen, but there is still a lot of things that need to get done. I find myself standing still when there needs to be movement. I have been thinking too much and not doing enough to keep my head distracted and in the game and getting to where I eventually want to be.

My attitude at work has been almost consistently negative. And the good moods that do come, do not tend to last for very long.

This is counter to how it should be. That I am leaving here soon should be exciting and should give me energy. There are still things that need to get done before I can feel comfortable walking away and I have stopped doing these things. I need to get back into that motivated mindset.

Stress and worry compounds itself. I get stressed out and worry about myself when I am too stressed and worrying about things that I don't want to or feel like I should or deserve to be worrying about.

There is a lot to lose in driving one's self crazy.

This morning I woke up to the renewed understanding that everything is going to be just fine (or better than fine) and the things I am worrying about now are going to be meaningless in a couple months so it is pointless (and damaging) to ruminate and be concerned about these things.

Contentment, happiness, acceptance and excitement are what I want to be feeling. Not stress, annoyance, anxiety, and fear.

Today I am switching back.